I’m kind of a snob when it comes to movies. It either has to be very, very good or so very bad that watching it is kind of fun (which is why Hannah and I plan to see Battlefield Earth at some point in the near future). The only rule I have for very bad movies is that they can’t take themselves too seriously.
Enter: Clash of the Titans.
We went to see it at our local theater for “Bargain Tuesday”. I do not recommend you pay full price to see this movie. I certainly don’t think you should shell out the extra money for 3D. The whole time I was watching I couldn’t help but think: this could have been better. This could and should have been SO MUCH better than it actually is.
First and foremost you’ve got Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes playing two of the opposing members in one phenomenally dysfunctional family. It’s like Schindler vs. Schutzstaffel. This should be a recipe for success.
Or not.
I mean what is up with Zeus’ Olan Mills glow? The Mount Olympus in Disney’s Hercules is cooler than the Mount Olympus here, which for whatever reason doesn’t look even remotely Greek.
Hades is what Lord Voldemort would look like if he had a nose and decided to live in a cave for a few decades. Voldemort is by far more scary and much more evil than the god of the underworld. Hades here is more petulant than intimidating.
And if it hadn’t been explained in the very beginning of the film, you could be forgiven for not realizing that they even had a brother. Poseidon is almost entirely marginalized in the film, which is I guess what happens to you when they ran out of their budget for big name actors.
The human storyline is supposed to be the main catalyst for the plot, but I found it very predictable and thus not at all compelling. For all of its shortcomings, what is still really interesting is what happens on Mount Olympus. Because the gods, as we all know, were TOTALLY WACK. So much so that the humans get tired of their shenanigans, they decide to rise up, Hades is all “Oh please can I hurt them, please please please?”, Zeus kind of likes the idea until it turns out that his underworld brother is actually BAD (OMG!), and things pretty much end where they began. The End.
But let’s break this down a little further: for all of his badness, Hades doesn’t ever seem truly evil. This is more than just a weakness of the writing. Hades the character (at least in this film) is very deeply disturbed and clearly a sociopath, but evil? That attribute is much more fitting for his much glowier brother.
More than just the fact that he conceived Perseus through decidedly non-consensual means (and if you like that, you’ll LOVE the way the film interprets Medusa’s story), there’s this whole bit about why Zeus allows Hades to wreak havoc on the humans.
Because humans need to be punished for their insolence. Hurt them, and they’ll realize how much they really love us.
What. The. What.
If you’re like me, your first response will be disgust. It’s a revolting idea. In fact, it’s a downright abusive idea. I’m hurting you because you deserve it. I’m hurting you because I love you.
And, if you’re like me, your second response will be a light bulb moment.
How many people have chosen to mold the image of our God onto the model of the Greek gods. How many people have chosen to believe that God is like that? Have chosen to believe that God is petty and vengeful? That He hurts us because He wants to? That He hurts us because He loves us?
Doesn’t that idea just turn your stomach? Because it should. There’s this Biblical anecdote that gets passed around. It’s not actually Biblical at all, but it’s told as though it were God’s Truth, and it’s the story of the shepherd and his sheep. As the story goes, when a lamb or sheep goes astray, the shepherd uses his staff to break the animals leg. That way the shepherd has to carry his crippled lamb until they heal, and they learn to love the shepherd and never wander off again.
The story is completely erroneous, of course. From an animal husbandry perspective it doesn’t make sense. From a Biblical perspective, it’s not at all what we know about the nature of God. And yet people believe it.
But I don’t believe in Zeus. Do you?
